The F-Word And Me

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Real Boys: Something Every Parent of Boys Should Know

I'm sometimes taken aback by the roles cast by our culture for our boys and young men. Why is it that we encourage girls to move beyond roles deemed "traditionally feminine," say to use a toolbox or excel at sports, while boys who have preferences or qualities outside those considered "traditionally masculine," we view as weak or deficient?

Don't agree? Just think about that boy who cries a lot, publicly. Or imagine a boy who is utterly hopeless at anything athletic. Even if you don't shy away from these qualities, you've certainly thought, "Others will make fun of him," and worried for his emotional safety. I'm right, right?

Real Boys' Voices

A mother of four young boys, I was thrilled to stumble across the book Real Boys' Voices (RBV) by Dr. William S. Pollack (Random House, 2000). As a practising psychologist and research academic, Dr. Pollack has spent decades listening to North American men and boys open up about themselves and the pressures they feel. RBV is the follow-up book to Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons From the Myths of Boyhood, in which he walks the lay-reader through his analysis of what fundamental impact normative conceptions of "masculinity" have on boys.

RBV carries the same message as Real Boys, but as told through hundreds of first-person insights offered by boys in interviews. The message is simple, yet profound and disturbing: sensing that only a narrow spectrum of "masculine" emotions are available to them, our boys shut down and suppress much of their feelings, and manifest their fear, pain and sadness in forms condoned as "masculine," namely as anger, detachment and physical violence.

But, Dr. Pollack stresses, there is hope. If we create safe spaces for our boys, listen to them and let them open up in their own way, we can let them know that they can live beyond the "real boy" code of behaviour. Though heavy on the first-person accounts, RBV offers lots of practical tips on ways to help boys feel emotionally safe, how to open the door to conversations and what signs or signals our boys might be giving us if they're feeling lost or depressed.

Having read Real Boys' Voices, I feel better equipped to help my sons navigate the oft-confusing labyrinth of growing up male, and I really recommend Dr. Pollack's work for anyone raising and nurturing a boy.

Do you have a "lightbulb" book when it comes to parenting your boy or girl?

How I Survive, Really: Grand Larceny

It's a trick my mother taught me. You "steal" resources from one area of your life in order to fill a gap in another. Colloquially, it's called "robbing Peter to pay Paul." Not wise to apply it to finances, but certainly very useful when it comes to domestic life.

For my mother --a single mother with a demanding full-time job and some severely limiting physical disabilities-- "robbing Peter" meant that on a weekly rotation she consciously neglected one area of her life: job, house or kid. Obviously her "neglect" of any of these responsibilities was a matter of degree. She still had work that needed to get done; somebody had to do laundry and grocery shop; and she was always a caring mother.

But on a week-by-week basis, something had to give. So, one week, she wasn't quite on top of her administrative paperwork. Another week, that leaky faucet kept leaking a little longer. And the next week, we skipped our usual after-dinner badminton games in the back yard.

Basically, my mother accepted the fact that she couldn't give 100% to everything all the time.

It's an example of "realistic mummying" that I did not fully comprehend until I, myself, became a mummy. Now, I try to keep my mother's practical approach in mind, like when we choose goofing off as a family instead of crossing jobs off the to-do list, or not going bike riding for once so I can finally vacuum up the heaps of pet fur.



And I try to cut myself a bit of slack about these choices and to feel okay about being a bit less than universally optimal (like when I completely forgot about not one, not two, but THREE appointments this week!). I guess somedays that's easier than others. :)

How about you? How do you walk the tightrope?

A Snippet of Brotherly Love

It was a little thing, but it warmed my heart.


My not-quite-one-and-a-halfer had been playing with his twin brothers in the back yard, when they both decided (mental telepathy?) to retreat to the kitchen where I was making dinner to see what they could get into. The toddler left in the yard showed no concern, until... he tried to get the teeter-totter to work, by himself.

He screeched with frustration and disappointment (he had seen how much fun the other two had, playing on it just a few minutes earlier). But, the plain truth is that such an apparatus requires a partner. I felt my heart go heavy, feeling his solitude. So I explained to the twins, "He'd really like to play on the teeter-totter. Would one of you like to play with him?"

The first to respond gave the answer I expected: "no!" Then the other, very gently, said, "I'll do that," and he joined his younger brother at the back of the yard.

Attention spans of toddlers and pre-schoolers measure in nano-seconds, so the interaction didn't last long. But for the brief minutes they played together, I smiled at their squeaks of laughter, wide grins and, especially, the look of enthralled joy worn by my youngest boy.

Such a nice contrast to the more typical whacking and smacking that goes on among our boys. Gives me hope... :)

Chirp Birthday Cake For Daddy

When I asked my boys what kind of cake they'd like to make for their dad's birthday, my oldest --without a second's hesitation-- stated, "A Chirp cake!"

Owl Kids' "Chirp" magazine

For the uninitiated, "Chirp" is the central figure of the Canadian pre-schooler magazine called... wait for it... "Chirp." He's an unidentified yellow chick-thing and he has various (short) adventures with his pals Squawk and Tweet in each issue of the magazine. Yes, sounds weird, but I've slowly realized that media aimed at children with any popularity is undeniably weird. At least, I don't get it half the time. (Yo Gabba Gabba? Toopy and Binoo? What bent minds thought these up?)

What I do love about "Chirp" magazine is that it's

• Canadian, meaning it references Canadian experiences and measures metric (except for recipes);
• largely advertisement-free, unlike other kids magazines I've seen which are choc-full of ads;
• very interactive: each issue offers activities, games, crafts, and imagination fodder;
• overall a good product and well-done!

 The latest issue had a recipe for a Chirp cake, and clearly the kids were eager to try it out. Even with several sous-chefs, pretty good, non?

Whadda ya mean I can't eat any more icing?

Putting the fate of the cake in the hands of a 3-yr-old

Lookin' good!

Ta da!