Reading: Want To Feel Like An Amazing Parent?

All of us have those days when we feel like we missed some important memo that would've told us the secret to doing parenting right. Well, after the kids are in bed on those days, crack open one of these great reads; they're sure to make you feel like an amazing parent!

Joyner's Dream by Sylvia Tyson
A friend lent me this book, and once I started reading it I had a hard time putting it down. (Thanks, S!) This is an enticing family saga, stretching from 18th-century England to 21st-century Canada. Like any family, this book's cast of characters is diverse: some are loving, nurturing parents, while others... not so much. My favourite example of the latter is a father who, due to his own demons, cannot accept his daughter, and so leaves the girl in the sole care of her grandfather. When the bad daddy reappears, he only sustains interest in the young woman as long as she aids him with cons, swindles and thefts. Nice, eh?


Palace Walk by Naguib Mahfouz
Naguib Mahfouz (1911-2006) is a renowned and Nobel-winning Egyptian author. In Palace Walk, the first book of his Cairo Trilogy, we meet the al-Jawad family, headed by the imposing father, Sayyid Ahmad. Set in the late 1910's in Cairo, the book follows the paths of the various family members, outside of and inside of the family unit. At the outset Sayyid Ahmad is a sanctimonious, inflexible tyrant; as the book progresses he proves himself to be a two-faced, egotistical and vain bully. Thankfully, the other characters are much more sympathetic, and the writing is beautiful, giving a sensational feel of Egypt in the early 20th century.

Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs

Anything by Augusten Burroughs is not for the faint of heart, and, honestly, I recommend this author's memoirs only for those with a dry sense of humour bordering on dark. Burroughs manages to recount the disturbingly self-absorbed antics of his parents and others as outrageously funny vignettes. One example: after his parents' publicly acrimonious split, young Augusten's unstable mother gives him to her therapist, whose ritual is to poop on the picnic table in the family's backyard and then demand that the other members of the household examine it to assess what deep truths the excrement imparts. ... Betcha haven't done that, have you?

How about you? Do you have any "this-parent-makes-me-look-amazing" books?

Real Boys: Something Every Parent of Boys Should Know

I'm sometimes taken aback by the roles cast by our culture for our boys and young men. Why is it that we encourage girls to move beyond roles deemed "traditionally feminine," say to use a toolbox or excel at sports, while boys who have preferences or qualities outside those considered "traditionally masculine," we view as weak or deficient?

Don't agree? Just think about that boy who cries a lot, publicly. Or imagine a boy who is utterly hopeless at anything athletic. Even if you don't shy away from these qualities, you've certainly thought, "Others will make fun of him," and worried for his emotional safety. I'm right, right?

Real Boys' Voices

A mother of four young boys, I was thrilled to stumble across the book Real Boys' Voices (RBV) by Dr. William S. Pollack (Random House, 2000). As a practising psychologist and research academic, Dr. Pollack has spent decades listening to North American men and boys open up about themselves and the pressures they feel. RBV is the follow-up book to Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons From the Myths of Boyhood, in which he walks the lay-reader through his analysis of what fundamental impact normative conceptions of "masculinity" have on boys.

RBV carries the same message as Real Boys, but as told through hundreds of first-person insights offered by boys in interviews. The message is simple, yet profound and disturbing: sensing that only a narrow spectrum of "masculine" emotions are available to them, our boys shut down and suppress much of their feelings, and manifest their fear, pain and sadness in forms condoned as "masculine," namely as anger, detachment and physical violence.

But, Dr. Pollack stresses, there is hope. If we create safe spaces for our boys, listen to them and let them open up in their own way, we can let them know that they can live beyond the "real boy" code of behaviour. Though heavy on the first-person accounts, RBV offers lots of practical tips on ways to help boys feel emotionally safe, how to open the door to conversations and what signs or signals our boys might be giving us if they're feeling lost or depressed.

Having read Real Boys' Voices, I feel better equipped to help my sons navigate the oft-confusing labyrinth of growing up male, and I really recommend Dr. Pollack's work for anyone raising and nurturing a boy.

Do you have a "lightbulb" book when it comes to parenting your boy or girl?

#1000 Giveaway!! "Under Pressure" by Carl Honore

Hey! We've reached 1000 page views! Thank you everyone!

I know that such a milestone is not a record-breaking achievement --many blogs log in excess of that number in a single day-- but I still think it's pretty cool! (And it indicates that more people are reading than just my mom and her friends... though I truly appreciate them, too.)

Thus, in celebration of #1000, I'm going to try something a little different: a giveaway.

The prize is Under Pressure: Rescuing Our Children From The Culture of Hyper Parenting by Carl Honore.

In it, the author argues that in many places today, based on research from North America, Europe and parts of Asia, the culturally normative style of parenting is... well, too much. Too much structuring, too much managing, too much buffering, too much shadowing. And the result? Children who are stressed, stifled and dependent --the opposite of what we as parents are striving for. It's an intelligent and thoughtful book, filled with insights and examples of how we can "lighten up" on our children, and it's a really good read, to boot.

So, rather than buying it from a bookstore, one reader will receive Under Pressure from me, free! How, you ask?

1. Leave a comment on this post below (you don't have to log in, sign up or anything). 
2. Offer in your comment a "Realistic Parent" insight, or something your parents did that you thought was really smart, or anything positive you'd like to share.
3. On Thursday, September 13, 2012 (new date!) I'll ask Ms. Random Generator to pick the lucky winner! 

So check back to see if that winner is you! Thank you all so much for reading and for sharing your thoughts and stories with us!

Reading: The Birth House

I have recently been enjoying a season of reading. This despite everyone being ill lately (we just seem to get over something when another virus hits!) and no one sleeping very well. The reason I've been able to read is because with various children needing my attention at frequent intervals, I've wanted to stay close by and not involved in a complex task. So, reading!


A friend lent me The Birth House by Ami McKay (Knopf Canada, 2006), and I have to say I loved it (thanks J)!! Reading it almost became a compulsion for me; I didn't want to put it down.

Check out Ami McKay's website!

The story centres around a young woman named Dora Rare, who lives in the very small village of Scots Bay in early 20th-century Nova Scotia.  As the nearest large town is a good distance away, the women of the village are attended to by the local midwife during pregnancy and childbirth. The midwife, Miss. B., is a venerable and somewhat magical figure, who begins to train Dora to assume her role as sage femme. As Dora struggles to determine what place midwifery should have in her life, she is additionally challenged by the new town obstetrician, who pressures her to cede care of the village women to him.


This is not a story about perceived benefits of midwifery versus detractions of obstetrical medical care, though tension characterized like that runs throughout the book. At its heart, The Birth House is about women, their difficulties and their decisions. Ami McKay seems to present an intentionally contradictory view of the impact of "progress" on women, as seen through Dora's encounters with the expanding domain of modern obstetrics and also the suffragist movement. The 1910's and 20's, on the one hand, saw the devaluation of female instincts and age-old womanly wisdoms (embodied here as midwifery), while, on the other hand, woman as a political and legal entity made great gains in the public sphere.  


Ultimately, The Birth House is about women taking responsibility for themselves and being masters of their bodies, their sexuality, their work, their roles. To me, that is a relevant story, regardless of the particular form of pre-natal and birthing care one chooses. 


Ami McKay fleshes-out beautifully the characters and community of Scots Bay, and she offers humour as well as poignancy. If I had to give a criticism, it would be that some of the characters verge on uni-dimensionality (e.g. as representing a certain historical paradigm) and that there's one love story in particular whose culmination I could predict a long way off (and it channelled Anne of Green Gables and Gilbert a little too much for me).


Nevertheless, I thoroughly enjoyed this book, and I highly recommend it if you're looking for a good read!

A Mother's Prayer

A book that I bought when I only had one small child and was still full of parenting energy was Surviving Your Toddler: 365 Creative Games and Activities to Help You Enjoy the Unique Challenges of Life With a One- to Three-Year-Old by Trish Kuffner (Lighthouse Books, 1999).

Available through Chapters-Indigo.

Well, that book was full of great, low-cost ideas, none of which appealed to my little guy. 


But, something that I did find helpful was the inclusion of "A Mother's Prayer." I've been having one of "those" weeks, and in case you are as well, I thought I'd share this:


"Dear Lord,
So far today I've done alright. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or very indulgent. I'm very grateful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm going to need a lot more help. Amen."


And all the people said, "Amen!"

Reading Suggestion: The Parent You Want To Be

I know what you're going to say. "Who has time to read?!?" And I concur wholeheartedly that there are seasons as a parent when you don't have time.


But then we also enter into seasons (short-lived though they may be) when everyone sleeps when they should and we have a teensy bit of energy left at the end of the day to spend on ourselves.


Then, we might read. If you are in one of those seasons where reading is possible, allow me to suggest a book that I found helpful in practical parenting.


The book is The Parent You Want To Be: Who You Are Matters More Than What You Do, by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott (Zondervan, 2007).

The book's main thesis is that by modelling the traits we wish for our children, we instil those traits in them. In other words, it's less about our kids per se and more about us as parents. (Honestly, I buy this to a degree; I don't believe our kids are programmable.)


In order to make us of this book, I first needed to stop pretending that my parenting style was flawless. After I did that, I saw areas where we could rather easily integrate some new, practical ideas.


For example, the good Drs. challenged me to be conscious of how I affirm my kids. I had the habit of affirming the trait versus the action. ("You're so creative!" etc.) The Drs. posit that when we affirm character traits we, in fact, set our kids up for performance anxiety.


On the other hand, when we affirm the action ("Wow! The colours in that picture are beautiful!") then our kids can draw their own, more realistic conclusions about their character and abilities. Without performance anxiety.


Now, I need to confess that I (still) have not read the entire book. I borrowed it from the library and my delay in returning it --only partially read-- stretched into the ridiculous. But each chapter was so darn meaty! It would take me several weeks to think the Drs. Parrot's ideas through and figure out how they could apply to our situation.


I do have the book out from the library again, so soon I should have another couple of chapters of wisdom to apply!


(FYI: The book is written from a Christian perspective, but it is not "religious" as such, and it is accessible to readers of any persuasion.)


What titles make it to your bedside table?

Veggie Mama: Salmon Cakes and Spinach Dumplings

A lot of us are trying to add more meat-free cooking to our family meal roster. But sometimes "going veg" with kids seems like the domestic equivalent of firing a volley across the nose of a hostile opponent: conflict is sure to result.

We ourselves are a "non-religious" vegetarian household, meaning that we cook vegetarian but we will eat meat if it's offered to us. One time when I mentioned we were having tofu for dinner, a friend commented with admiration, "Wow! How do you get your boys to eat tofu?" To which I replied, "I never said that my guys were going to eat it. Just that I was serving it for dinner!" Ha, ha.

But in serving my men-folk lentils and rice, beans of all types and, yes, tofu, day in and day out, I've learned that:
1. I have a 50-50 chance of my almost-five-year-old turning up his nose at pretty much anything I put in front of him (unless it's pizza or spaghetti) so I just need to have a thick skin;

2. repeat exposure changes attitudes (i.e. the first time I serve something new, often no one likes it; but by the third or fourth time, there are converts);

3. it doesn't have to be a big deal. There are so many ways to go veg that meals don't have to look "weird" or be obviously vegetarian.

I'll continue to share recipe ideas that have been a hit with my crew, but here are two to get us started:

http://parentscanada.com/food/quick-and-easy-dinners/crispy-salmon-sweet-potato-cakes.aspx

Everyone really liked the Crispy Salmon Sweet Potato Cakes that I found in Parents Canada magazine in the March/April 2011 issue. (I should note that in addition to being a "lacto-ovo" vegetarian --meaning I love my dairy!-- I also cook fish. Not really vegetarian, but there it is.) You can get the recipe on-line here. They're also pretty low-fat.

If you don't feel like making patties, my mom made this recipe as a loaf. She boiled the sweet potatoes along with potatoes for another meal, then mashed all the ingredients together, including the breadcrumbs. Baked, and voila! Super tasty. (And it's also great as a cold sandwich filling.)

Another favourite was the Steamed Spinach Dumplings recipe from the Australian Women's Weekly book Vegie Food: Low-Fat & Delicious. (Yes, the Australian Women's Weekly --apparently they have the good recipe books, or so said the woman at the cooking paraphernalia shop where I bought this. And it seems they also spell "veggie" without the second "g.") The book is available on Amazon.

In short --and so as to not infringe on copyright-- you make balls from spinach, ricotta, egg, flour and seasoning and then steam them. 

I served these dumplings with a tomato sauce over pasta. Though my pre-schooler declined, my two toddlers inhaled them. In fact, the dumplings were so good that even my non-vegetarian in-laws asked for the recipe!

I give two thumbs up for this entire cookbook. If you feel like your vegetarian repertoire is in a bit of a slump, Vegie Food gives some really fresh ideas.

Anyone else have vegetarian recipe hits to share?